It's been four days since my procedure. Just three days from when I received the call from the doctor, telling me none of my eggs were fertilized. I have been feeling withdrawn a bit; depressed. My kids were starting to ask questions, as I had not really talked to them about my baby plans. I was cautious enough with the statistics of in-vitro to not mention anything too early; and save my kids the despair of a loss and lots of questions. So I had to perk up and move about, do a few things with them. They are my blessings and I am grateful. I was surprised about how I have been feeling; the emotional response I have been going through. But since the failed attempt of having embryos, I felt a tremendous loss; just like a death. Maybe as if I had already miscarried. I was not expecting to feel this way. For the past nearly seven months, a large focus of my day to day life, has been about preparing my body and planning for this conception. And yet, so quickly, and coldly, it was over. Almost like I don't know what to do with myself through the day. Surely, I get up and take care of my family and go to work, but it's like this has been a big focus for me, and now it's over; it's gone. What else do I do with that part of me. It's played a big part in my perspective on future endeavors and plans...and now, just nothing. I'm out of money; I'm scrambling trying to discover resources, grants, scholarships, lost/unclaimed money, foundations, ...anything.
I'm not ready for this journey to be over. Even if there is failure, I would at least like to have another try or two. My Nicholas, has been so wonderful; willing to consider additional medical procedures of his own, in an effort to protect my health. I think he may even go out of a financial limb to try to do whatever he can so I can have this dream come true. It's not really feasible or smart to our future to go bankrupt. I have found myself seeking other blogs and posts regarding others in this situation; still seeking, trying to conceive. I keep re-reading data and statistics, trying to find glimmers of underlying hope to apply to my situation. But I am aware that the facts could easily be stacked against me. I do happen to be healthy; and the fact that I have had two other uncomplicated pregnancies. I responded well to the IVF medications; there were just some problems with not being able to retrieve all my eggs. I also had an issue with the clinic service; the MD on for my procedure had never seen me before that day; and I wonder if that affected my outcome. Additionally, our sperm were a bit challenged and we were told several vials would have to be used from our supply; the fact that only two were used, makes me wonder, did we have a fair assessment of the sperm that were chosen for the fertilization process. These issues I am currently dealing with; planned for a meeting with the director. We made financial decisions based on the facts of the information given to us about the sperm. The fact that they only used two, when I was told we would only have enough for one cycle; made us under-purchase whenever we were making our loan decisions. We could have easily upgraded the loan for the IVF package; and I would be planning for a second cycle now; but instead, I'm stuck; no further financial options. I would have to consider a second loan now. For that, I feel so guilty. My credit is horrible from my prior divorce; and my significant other placed his name and credit on the line for us with no hesitations; and I feel responsible for a debt that has left us with no sight of a baby in our future. All we have is a payment booklet for the next five years.
I set this blog up out of desperation; thinking I may stumble upon the view of people who would be touched by my situation; who would give donations. Of course, I have no real computer experience about stuff like this. My thoughts are--without me making a public spectacle of myself on You-Tube or Twitter or Facebook, I will never get any real publicity that will afford me attention or monies. I am extremely shy and private and for the most part do not believe a lot in social media. I have seen people charged for serious crimes who do blogsites to raise money for their court cases, that get more attention than I realistically expect to get. But one thing I can say about this process that I am going through as I write this.--It seems to serve as some level of emotional healing for me. It's an outlet. So here I am, letting out...not wanting to give up.
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