It's been four days since my procedure. Just three days from when I received the call from the doctor, telling me none of my eggs were fertilized. I have been feeling withdrawn a bit; depressed. My kids were starting to ask questions, as I had not really talked to them about my baby plans. I was cautious enough with the statistics of in-vitro to not mention anything too early; and save my kids the despair of a loss and lots of questions. So I had to perk up and move about, do a few things with them. They are my blessings and I am grateful. I was surprised about how I have been feeling; the emotional response I have been going through. But since the failed attempt of having embryos, I felt a tremendous loss; just like a death. Maybe as if I had already miscarried. I was not expecting to feel this way. For the past nearly seven months, a large focus of my day to day life, has been about preparing my body and planning for this conception. And yet, so quickly, and coldly, it was over. Almost like I don't know what to do with myself through the day. Surely, I get up and take care of my family and go to work, but it's like this has been a big focus for me, and now it's over; it's gone. What else do I do with that part of me. It's played a big part in my perspective on future endeavors and plans...and now, just nothing. I'm out of money; I'm scrambling trying to discover resources, grants, scholarships, lost/unclaimed money, foundations, ...anything.
I'm not ready for this journey to be over. Even if there is failure, I would at least like to have another try or two. My Nicholas, has been so wonderful; willing to consider additional medical procedures of his own, in an effort to protect my health. I think he may even go out of a financial limb to try to do whatever he can so I can have this dream come true. It's not really feasible or smart to our future to go bankrupt. I have found myself seeking other blogs and posts regarding others in this situation; still seeking, trying to conceive. I keep re-reading data and statistics, trying to find glimmers of underlying hope to apply to my situation. But I am aware that the facts could easily be stacked against me. I do happen to be healthy; and the fact that I have had two other uncomplicated pregnancies. I responded well to the IVF medications; there were just some problems with not being able to retrieve all my eggs. I also had an issue with the clinic service; the MD on for my procedure had never seen me before that day; and I wonder if that affected my outcome. Additionally, our sperm were a bit challenged and we were told several vials would have to be used from our supply; the fact that only two were used, makes me wonder, did we have a fair assessment of the sperm that were chosen for the fertilization process. These issues I am currently dealing with; planned for a meeting with the director. We made financial decisions based on the facts of the information given to us about the sperm. The fact that they only used two, when I was told we would only have enough for one cycle; made us under-purchase whenever we were making our loan decisions. We could have easily upgraded the loan for the IVF package; and I would be planning for a second cycle now; but instead, I'm stuck; no further financial options. I would have to consider a second loan now. For that, I feel so guilty. My credit is horrible from my prior divorce; and my significant other placed his name and credit on the line for us with no hesitations; and I feel responsible for a debt that has left us with no sight of a baby in our future. All we have is a payment booklet for the next five years.
I set this blog up out of desperation; thinking I may stumble upon the view of people who would be touched by my situation; who would give donations. Of course, I have no real computer experience about stuff like this. My thoughts are--without me making a public spectacle of myself on You-Tube or Twitter or Facebook, I will never get any real publicity that will afford me attention or monies. I am extremely shy and private and for the most part do not believe a lot in social media. I have seen people charged for serious crimes who do blogsites to raise money for their court cases, that get more attention than I realistically expect to get. But one thing I can say about this process that I am going through as I write this.--It seems to serve as some level of emotional healing for me. It's an outlet. So here I am, letting out...not wanting to give up.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Seeking to follow a dream
It started with a remarriage; a new beginning from more than a decade of domestic violence-- a mother of two, and this fresh start. I always loved a strong sense of family and felt I had a lot of love to give. Granted I was in this extremely less than perfect union, I tried to always protect my children from the life that I lived behind a closed door. Growing up, I was always good with kids, and it felt natural to me that I was this kind of nurturer, full of love and able to give so much.
So this second chance at a new life, I had in the back of my mind that I could still give even more of myself. I thought I would eventually have more children. I would later find that my new husband was living with a terminal condition. I knew our time would be shorter than many, but I still thought we had several years left to live and love one another. He was sick a lot and starting a family was hard to plan. Even in his last year of life, we were seeking the advice of a fertility service to try to help us capture time for our baby. We were too late, and he passed away. At this point, I am about 38 years old, no companion; but still loving and caring for my two boys. I am bereaved, but living and doing all that I need to and can for myself and my family; but this desire for family is still in my soul. I looked at going back to the clinic to try to select a profile for sperm donor, as similar as possible to his likeness. Then I remembered another love of my life from a different era of my past; and I remembered how we would talk about fantasies with a wide range of topics. One being children; I took a chance and made a call. I reconnected with a wonderful person who was not a stranger to me; almost like we picked up where we left off so many years ago. He agreed to this odd request of fathering a child with me; but there was a catch--he had had a vasectomy. And yet, he was willing to go through some serious procedures to try to help me reach a dream of being a mother again. We would later begin a relationship, not yet married, but working towards a future.
I went back to that same clinic and began this new journey. This is where the story takes a turn. This process is extremely expensive; and I am not a wealthy person. So when you embark on such ventures with fertility assistance, there are only a few resources to try to help with that process for financing as our state does not allow for fertility insurance coverage. We found there were some unknown complications for both of us. Based on recommendations from that, we tried to select the best options for our specific financial situation. Once you go with that, you are deadlocked in--it seems our journey was over before it got started good. The short version of the story, I feel we were ill advised, and now all we have to show for our efforts, is a payment booklet for the next 5years. I feel humiliated and cheated. There was a better option for our financing package, but we were told by the financing folks not to overshoot the package selection based on the medical information provided; we were told that we would only have enough sperm for one cycle of IVF because the number and quality were limited; that it would take several vials for one cycle. We only had 5 vials, and likely not to have enough for a second cycle of egg retrievals. We could plan for one fresh transfer and a frozen cycle thereafter. ( or additional frozen cycles) That would limit us to one option for packaging offers. So based on that advice, this is what we did. I had a good response to all the drugs, but the MD could only harvest from one ovary. Mind you, this was also a physician who knew nothing about me until the day of the procedure which I had a real problem with, but was assured that his credentials were remarkable, it's not really something you want to back out of with all the injections flowing through my body/ready for showtime.
Of course, I am aware that the statistics in general raise some challenges, but I am otherwise healthy, both of us had two natural children, and my responsiveness to all the medications was better than average. And I know it can take several cycles for many women before having success. Like I said, it was over before we got started; at least had the advice been better, I would at least have another try available to me; the difference between $16,000 and $23,000 for a more appropriate package--that is now not an option for me without doing another loan which would be a total of $40,000 for what should have cost us about half had we been given better advice. I don't want to give up; but it's not financially reasonable to do another loan of that magnitude; not that I could even qualify for another. Also, my age is not going in reverse; I now have more emphasis on my biological clock. I've looked into grants and scholarships, but many of the criteria sites are specific to a certain state or diagnosis. I feel I am not appropriate for the criteria. I have at least had children; there are some that have had none; and I feel it's probably not fair for me to attempt the process. So, I am here, vulnerable to the general public for someone who may be better off financially than myself, or willing to offer to the cause of a woman who wants this experience of motherhood again in her life. I have made recent changes to my life professionally that will allow me to work from home; something I wasn't able to do with my first two. Life is short and time is precious, and I think being able to work from home is a wonderful gift to offer to your family, if you are in a position to do so. I can only imagine; how much more I will be able to connect and love even more than before. I have been so blessed that I was able to find that perfect job. This will enable me even more to be a great Mom!
I know that I am blessed. I am the mother of two wonderful children. I feel naturally made for this role. I love being a Mom. I don't claim to be perfect; but I feel I have this wonderful gift in my soul, my spirit, that beckons me to want to share and give even more.
If you believe in my cause, please, I urge you to open up your heart and your purse-strings to support me in completing this dream. I thank you so much for your time and consideration. I am no computer geek, and don't even know if this is going through correctly. I am making an attempt of something I have never done before in my life. Thank you so much for your support!
So this second chance at a new life, I had in the back of my mind that I could still give even more of myself. I thought I would eventually have more children. I would later find that my new husband was living with a terminal condition. I knew our time would be shorter than many, but I still thought we had several years left to live and love one another. He was sick a lot and starting a family was hard to plan. Even in his last year of life, we were seeking the advice of a fertility service to try to help us capture time for our baby. We were too late, and he passed away. At this point, I am about 38 years old, no companion; but still loving and caring for my two boys. I am bereaved, but living and doing all that I need to and can for myself and my family; but this desire for family is still in my soul. I looked at going back to the clinic to try to select a profile for sperm donor, as similar as possible to his likeness. Then I remembered another love of my life from a different era of my past; and I remembered how we would talk about fantasies with a wide range of topics. One being children; I took a chance and made a call. I reconnected with a wonderful person who was not a stranger to me; almost like we picked up where we left off so many years ago. He agreed to this odd request of fathering a child with me; but there was a catch--he had had a vasectomy. And yet, he was willing to go through some serious procedures to try to help me reach a dream of being a mother again. We would later begin a relationship, not yet married, but working towards a future.
I went back to that same clinic and began this new journey. This is where the story takes a turn. This process is extremely expensive; and I am not a wealthy person. So when you embark on such ventures with fertility assistance, there are only a few resources to try to help with that process for financing as our state does not allow for fertility insurance coverage. We found there were some unknown complications for both of us. Based on recommendations from that, we tried to select the best options for our specific financial situation. Once you go with that, you are deadlocked in--it seems our journey was over before it got started good. The short version of the story, I feel we were ill advised, and now all we have to show for our efforts, is a payment booklet for the next 5years. I feel humiliated and cheated. There was a better option for our financing package, but we were told by the financing folks not to overshoot the package selection based on the medical information provided; we were told that we would only have enough sperm for one cycle of IVF because the number and quality were limited; that it would take several vials for one cycle. We only had 5 vials, and likely not to have enough for a second cycle of egg retrievals. We could plan for one fresh transfer and a frozen cycle thereafter. ( or additional frozen cycles) That would limit us to one option for packaging offers. So based on that advice, this is what we did. I had a good response to all the drugs, but the MD could only harvest from one ovary. Mind you, this was also a physician who knew nothing about me until the day of the procedure which I had a real problem with, but was assured that his credentials were remarkable, it's not really something you want to back out of with all the injections flowing through my body/ready for showtime.
Of course, I am aware that the statistics in general raise some challenges, but I am otherwise healthy, both of us had two natural children, and my responsiveness to all the medications was better than average. And I know it can take several cycles for many women before having success. Like I said, it was over before we got started; at least had the advice been better, I would at least have another try available to me; the difference between $16,000 and $23,000 for a more appropriate package--that is now not an option for me without doing another loan which would be a total of $40,000 for what should have cost us about half had we been given better advice. I don't want to give up; but it's not financially reasonable to do another loan of that magnitude; not that I could even qualify for another. Also, my age is not going in reverse; I now have more emphasis on my biological clock. I've looked into grants and scholarships, but many of the criteria sites are specific to a certain state or diagnosis. I feel I am not appropriate for the criteria. I have at least had children; there are some that have had none; and I feel it's probably not fair for me to attempt the process. So, I am here, vulnerable to the general public for someone who may be better off financially than myself, or willing to offer to the cause of a woman who wants this experience of motherhood again in her life. I have made recent changes to my life professionally that will allow me to work from home; something I wasn't able to do with my first two. Life is short and time is precious, and I think being able to work from home is a wonderful gift to offer to your family, if you are in a position to do so. I can only imagine; how much more I will be able to connect and love even more than before. I have been so blessed that I was able to find that perfect job. This will enable me even more to be a great Mom!
I know that I am blessed. I am the mother of two wonderful children. I feel naturally made for this role. I love being a Mom. I don't claim to be perfect; but I feel I have this wonderful gift in my soul, my spirit, that beckons me to want to share and give even more.
If you believe in my cause, please, I urge you to open up your heart and your purse-strings to support me in completing this dream. I thank you so much for your time and consideration. I am no computer geek, and don't even know if this is going through correctly. I am making an attempt of something I have never done before in my life. Thank you so much for your support!
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